My broken heart

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

It's so hard to think about her, I know she's safe and loved, but it's still hard knowing she's not here with me... I still miss her so much. 

My Baby Girl

On September 12th 2012, my husband and I excitedly made our drive to the hospital hoping that this would be the day that we would find out if we would be having a boy or a girl... A hope that was destroyed in less than 30 minutes....

I knew something wasn't right when the nurse kept asking me how far along I was and how I knew I was that far along.... Then she left and let my husband in... a few minutes later she returned with a Dr. ... The Dr. looked at the screen pointed at a few things, and then told us the news... although our baby had a heartbeat, our baby was too full of fluid to survive.... They told us that it had a big sac of fluid on the back of the neck and were told that likely the skin that covers the neck had never attached... I was devasted.... I cried. 

We were asked to go over and see my obstetrician... I knew he would not have said what he said lightly as he was very pro life, but he told me that they usually did not let babies like this get to full term because they would not survive and that they would have unusual problems like eyes on the top of the head and other abnormal things. He wanted us to go for more tests and advised that we terminate the pregnancy.... another moment of awful brokenness. We left his office awaiting a phone call for our next appointment. We were called in the next morning for another kind of ultrasound.... The sac of fluid was not the only problem.... there was fluid all through the abdomen, the head, and every major part of the body. So much that the baby's organs would not be able to work. I was told that I was the only thing keeping this baby alive... there was still a heartbeat. They told me I had to decide if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy and if I didn't that likely the baby would die inside me before it was born.... My husband and I made the decision to have the pregnancy terminated.... I was so heartbroken... 19 weeks along and there was no hope... 

The appointment was set for the 17th, I would be induced and deliver my baby. I went home and told my family the news.... they supported me but were just as devastated as I was... I prayed and hoped that monday things would change that I would get another ultrasound and find that God had performed a miracle for my baby... That didn't happen. Instead I had the ultrasound and they found no heartbeat this time.... they took me over to labor and delivery and I spent a whole day waiting for my baby... Late that night I went into labor and by 11:43 pm I delivered a tiny baby girl... She was so small and silent... I could not stop crying, They told me I could hold her after they cleaned her up... I did but was so scared of hurting her (which was stupid because she was already gone) that I could not bring myself to hold her more than a minute... then they took her away to be sent away for an autopsy in halifax... My baby girl was gone... I never got to say hello or goodbye :'( 

Teyla Amber Winterburn was only with me for a short time, but she was my baby. My first baby. I miss her so much and yet I didn't even know her... I'm still waiting for results... I am going to a memorial held by the hospital in a week or two, I cry all the time. The hurt is so hard, and people who are trying to make me feel better keep saying things like "oh you'll have another one, you won't forget but you'll have another one who will love you and need you" I know that's true,... but Teyla was my baby, and nobody seems to realize that she was very real... :'(